


When I Leave This World, I’ll Leave No Regrets

by watchoutamore



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cheating, F/M, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 03:52:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3342668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watchoutamore/pseuds/watchoutamore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry barks a loud laughter, “You’re shitting me, right, Tomlinson?” There’s a full spread grin on his face now, but Louis can’t seem to find what’s so funny of the situation. “Me? Deny you? C’mon Tommo,” he purses his lips, really amused at Louis’ statement. Harry walks up to him; a mere centimeter away from his plump lips and whispers, “Never have I denied you. You’re shutting me out, remember?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Leave This World, I’ll Leave No Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> There was a prompt I got a while ago asking to do selfharm harry  
> It’s up late bc honestly I didn’t have the strength to write larry angst with my own angst going on :)  
> I'd love to thank my beautiful, supportive beta Laura who reads all my shit and criticizes it to the max! (only kidding) I seriously would not have even posted this without her so yeah go thank her! she's the best, go follow her! (lpalms15 on ao3 - draculauralou on tumblr)
> 
> Enjoyyyyy!! or don't. Hope it fills your expectations (and hope it hurts like a bitch bc it hurt me ok)

In retrospect, it was all so much easier in the X Factor days. When there wasn’t a second glance when somebody said One Direction in public. When their fame was strictly around the UK. Now, their faces are plastered on a very, very large percent of girl’s room’s, which is not always a bad thing.  
  
It sort of hit everybody when Harry and Louis moved in together, and it’s kind of like, everybody expected it, but not really. There was so much speculation that week and so much covering up and so much of everything, they called her out and took her out of her classes for the day so she could spend the day with Louis at some stupid convention. Sure, Louis didn’t mind, he didn’t not like El. Harry was bothered, though. That’s no surprise, right?  
  
(15:17) Harry: **Lou, you gonna be home soon? .x**  
  
(15:32) Louis: _don’t wait up for me. go to bed. see you in the morning xx_  
  
And yeah, Harry felt like all the air left his body and was punched right in the gut, but he couldn’t show that. He couldn’t show how much he needed him or wanted him by his side all the fucking time and how much it hurt to see tabloids flaunt their picture.  
  
Louis, on the other hand, seemed to be fine with it all, which hurt Harry so much more than anything. That he had the audacity to come home, smelling of her perfume, with her lip marks on his ear, her sweater in hand, and actually hug Harry. Because, what the fuck?  
  
Harry doesn’t push him away. He lets Louis drag him upstairs, inside the confines of their bedroom, to carefully strip him, and leave the same marks she left on him on Harry’s soft white skin. Harry doesn’t bring it up because it feels so good. Louis is happy, and that’s what matters most.  
  
There are too many moments to count when Harry was pushed away. Too many marks were left on Harry’s pale skin. And Harry once thought it was a way of Louis sending his message, like he could never admit it out loud but making love to Harry was the only way of saying what he felt.  
  
Harry’s too much in love, just needs him, always wants to make him happy. He’s broken because he can never hold Louis’ attention more than a tenth of a second. Under the sheets, in the dark bedroom, Louis can undeniably assure Harry of his love, but bring out the sun, some fans and Louis is a different person.  
  
~*~  
  
“He can’t keep hurting you like this, man. Have you talked to him?” Niall asks him one day in the tour bus. It’s kind of quiet because she’s there and Louis has fallen asleep on one of the bunks while Liam and Zayn are snuggled up on the sofa.  
  
“Sure I have.” he lies, making extra sure of his volume. “Ni, can we not right now?”  
  
Niall doesn’t let it drop though, as he’s legitimately concerned for his friend. He secretly misses the happiness in his green eyes, but doesn’t feel the need to admit that part. “You’re kind of pissing me off now, Harry.” His voice keeps getting louder and louder and so does Harry’s heartbeat. It’s so loud the bus driver can probably hear its erratic pattern.

 Niall is just so _loud_ and Louis is _so_ close by.

“I’m talking to Louis when he wakes up, I’m not going to stand around and see that stupid fucking frown he’s casting everyday on your face. I miss your smile, Haz.” Niall’s brow furrows as Harry smiles sadly at him. Harry knows that’s not what he wants but it’s the best he can do. 

Niall flicks at his shoulder, “You know what I mean, bugger off.”  
  
Harry drops his head, clasps his hands on his thighs, as he feels the tears well up in his eyes. His breathing becomes shaky and loud when he speaks, “I know, I know. I just- he’s happy, yeah? What’s it to me to ruin that?” he replies softly, not quite looking Niall in the eye.  
  
Harry looks up when he doesn’t hear a response, sees Niall’s face and is taken aback at the sudden change in his expression. Niall’s rightly pissed.

“Do you not care at all about what you want?” Niall speaks up then, after a long silence, and Harry can hear the strain in his voice. His voice is still a little too loud for his liking, so he shushes him and glances at where Louis still lies peacefully. Harry looks at Louis’ chest rise and fall in slumber, he fixates on his perfect cheekbones and soft fringe on his eyes. He’s so gone for the boy who doesn’t love him back. He turns back to Niall, as the first few tears cascade down his flushed cheeks. He can’t stop them if he made an effort.  
  
“Harry, babe, don’t cry. Oh my god.” Harry feels Niall’s arms wrap around him, and he feels a little whole again wrapped around by Niall.  
  
“Just talk to him, please. At least for me, because I miss seeing my best friend’s silly grin. You’ll talk to him, yeah?” he pets Harry’s curls down and Harry sighs. He hates lying but he can make an exception. He nods a small agreement into the blonde’s collarbone.  
  
“Talk to who?”  
  
Harry’s head snaps up.  
  
Louis stands in one of Harry’s fucking white tees, all sleepy eyed and cute. Harry actually has to fight back the groan in his throat. He wipes at his eyes and yawns, waiting for an answer.  
  
Niall speaks up first, clearly amused at Louis’ timing, “You, actually. C’mere, Lou. Haz needs to speak with you.”  
  
Louis frowns at the two boys sitting at the breakfast table, processing everything first. His sleepy brain catches up.“Oh.” he mumbles, and then goes to take a seat next to Harry on the booth.  
  
Harry couldn’t be anymore frozen. Niall offers him a small smile before getting up, and heading to the front to leave the two to their talk.  
  
So, yeah, Harry talks to Louis about what he’s doing to him but it doesn’t go anywhere really. It causes more problems if anything. Louis is just shaking his head the whole damn time and Harry’s voice is rising in volume now, stirring Liam and Zayn from their slumber, and just, why did he open his mouth?  
  
“I’m not… What are you even talking about?” Louis asks, bemused and still a little tired.  
  
Harry is past the point of caring anymore. “Louis, you’re with her more than you are sometimes with the whole band! You shut me out, you don’t want to talk to me anymore about anything, unless we’re both naked and you’re inside of me. I don’t know who you are anymore.” Liam gasps and Zayn chuckles darkly.

The situation is all a bit funny and unexpected to be honest, Harry was not thinking of confronting him like this. Before Niall, he really never thought of talking to Louis in regards to anything concerning their relationship – or whatever. 

All Louis is doing is shaking his head side to side and mumbling incoherent things Harry can’t make out. Harry decides to give up.  
  
“You have nothing to say, so I’ll just go.”

And with that the conversation is over.  
  
~*~  
  
“You didn’t give me a chance to speak yesterday, you kinda just jumped to conclusions.”  
  
It’s a new day. Niall points over lunch of Harry’s undeniable lift of spirit when she’s not around. Louis and Harry make through their beers without talking, but when Harry goes to the wash to clean up, Louis excuses himself, following Harry to the men’s room.  
  
And now Louis is there standing at the door of the bathroom, wide-eyed and fearful. After Harry’s outburst yesterday, who wouldn’t be?  
  
Harry turns around, nodding his head shamefully, “Yeah, I overacted. Listen, um, I’m sorry for-”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“Yeah.” is all Harry can reply, going to exit.  
  
And really, Louis’ just embarrassed. He doesn’t have a backbone for this sort of thing. Giving up his pride for Harry? Admitting to the world they were right and he’s a liar? Definitely not. He decides he doesn’t have a response to that as he sighs and walks towards Harry.  
  
He grabs Harry’s head in his hands and Harry doesn’t fight it. Louis leans forward and brushes his top lip with Harry’s bottom lip, something they used to do during their X Factor days. He breaks the silence after a few moments of them frozen in place. “I know thing’s been shit recently, yeah,” he soothes the curls away from Harry’s eyes, “but I do love you, and I hate it when you deny that.”  
  
Harry makes Louis jump when he barks a loud laughter, “You’re shitting me, right, Tomlinson?” There’s a full spread grin on his face now, and Louis can’t seem to find what’s so funny of the situation. “Me? Deny you? C’mon Tommo,” he grins, really amused at Louis’ statement. Harry brings Louis flush to his chest, their hips aligning in the most intimate way. He’s a mere centimeter away from Louis’ lips and whispers, “Never have I denied you. You’re shutting _me_ out, remember?”  
  
They kind of end up kissing one another, but not in the way they kiss under the moonlight, on their white bed, when their bodies are connected, but in a way that makes Harry think everything might be alright.  
  
“I’m sorry,” is all Louis says later when he’s inside Harry. Harry’s moans filling the room, a tight low grunt following, and then Harry’s coming all over Louis. He hopes he’ll finally get his Louis back because that’s all he really wants.

Louis.

And not having him in his world doesn’t make anything worth it. 

But Louis is so good at hiding his feelings, at keeping them away from being read; a blessing and a curse all the same.  
  
Louis is relaxing into Harry’s arms that night, pressing tiny kisses to his collarbone. “Goodnight, my boy. My favorite boy.”  
  
~*~  
  
When Harry wakes up alone and cold the next morning, he’s so over everything - over trying to gain happiness, over trying for Louis, over trying for even Niall. He feels like it’s a good reason for self-defenestration. He laughs out loud at the thought, though there’s really nothing to laugh about (the situations quite shitty on his part). He might just be going proper insane. He’s lost the love of his life to a University student that works at a department store

If it weren’t for Gemma and his mum, he’d do what he hasn’t been able to escape from his mind.  
  
Later in the shower, he ponders. He thinks maybe Louis is just ashamed of Harry. He opens the shower curtain when he’s done and glances at the mirror, taking in all his features. He not so hard on the eyes-  
  
 _Oh._  
  
And it hits him like the corner of the vanity stubs his toe.  “FUCK! Shit, oh, motherfucking fuck!”  
  
“Haz? You alright, babe?” Harry can’t disguise the content yelp he makes when he realizes its Louis on the other side of the door.  
  
“I’m- shit, yeah I’m good,” he yells out.  
  
Louis isn’t ready to come out, Harry realizes.

 All those nights inside Harry wasn’t a way of proving his love, Harry never doubted that, it was more of a way of trying to trace any worry off Harry’s mind that he’d ever have to let go of him. Those marks on Louis’ back and bruises Harry sucks into the hidden skin on his thighs are never seen by anyone but him.

 Louis isn’t ready to come out.

Once Harry’s out and dressed, he walks towards where Louis is making the bed.

  _Louis isn’t ready to come out_.

“You’re not ready?” he asks softly, arms crossed over his chest. He feels like his heart might plop right out of its place.  
  
Louis smiles sadly in Harry’s direction. “Took you long enough.”  
  
“You’re not ready for?” Harry edges on. He needs to hear it.

 The look on Louis’ face strikes something inside Harry. He doesn’t look like the 19 year old he completely fell for; more so like a lost child, waiting for a punishment. 

“I’m so terrified of everything. I’m not ready to completely give myself over. Bet everyone will get a kick out of half of the world talking about us, but I don’t want that. Harry, I don’t want my names in their mouth. At least not like that. Not when I know they could be bashing me - _us_.”  
  
“You’re scared.” It’s not a question, more like he’s confirming it. And then Harry’s shaking his head and Louis doesn't know why but he doesn’t want to fight again.  
  
“You’re scared,” he says again, “Fucking serious? You could have just told me you weren’t gay. That would have hurt much less.”  
  
Louis doesn’t reply, his eyes fall to a piece of lint on his sweater.  
  
Harry breathes deeply and just stands there, surveying the moment. “Coward,” he finally says after a long minute of silence. Harry regrets it after he says it but doesn’t take it back. “You prick. You don’t care about anything but your _precious image,_ and it sickens me. I don’t know how I could love someone so selfish.”

 The last word hits Louis right in the gut, drawing out the sob etched in his throat. 

And God - Louis doesn’t like hurting Harry like this. He can’t stand hurting the only thing that has hope in him.  
  
“Whatever,” Harry comments, when Louis doesn’t reply.  
  
~*~  
  
Louis comes home 8 hours later. He’s not drunk, surprisingly, but there’s a massive headache and he just wants to cuddle and sleep and-But he remembers he can’t. 

The paper is the first thing he notices on the nightstand when he opens their bedroom door. It’s denial at first, when he picks up the piece of paper. He chuckles a little, with paper in hand, glancing at it from afar, shaking a bit with laughter. Because it can’t be.  
  
“He wouldn’t have,” he voices aloud. Then he calls Harry’s name.

 Twice.

 Silence. 

Louis laughs again, this time from the sick realization. He clutches the damned piece of paper as he curses Harry’s name a few times, the tears spilling out and his sobs filling the empty room.

 Harry has left Louis.

  
 _Dear Louis,_  
  
 _It got to this, I guess. I’m shaking writing this Lou. I’m so scared. I don’t want to do this._

What? Louis grips the paper tighter in confusion, falling to his knees.

_I honestly don’t want to cause you any pain. I never, never wanted this. You believe me, right? Really wish I could go back to X factor days when I just had to pass to the next rounds with you lads and that was all. The hardest decision back then was which flower to put in my blazer. Remember then, Lou? I guess if you’re reading this, it’s done._

Louis is so so confused.

_And I’m kind of hoping El cancels your shopping trip because how many jeans does one girl really need? I’m also kind of hoping you’re on your way right now and you walk through the door of our flat and_

No. Harry would not fucking-

_stop me mid way. Because I really don’t want to do this._  
  
 _Tell Gemma, she’s always going to be looked after. Tell Mum I’m gonna miss her tons and tons and that she was everything and more for me, that I’m so thankful of her. Keep them safe._

Louis’ stomach drops.  
  
 _Zayn’s gonna have a right fit when he hears, tell him I’m so sorry I never got to finish his tattoo. Ed can finish it. Tell him thank you for all those times he snuck you and me out of those sticky situations. Tell Liam I thought of him as the annoying overprotective brother I kinda wished for so he could keep me from getting grounded. I’m not surehe knew that, so let him know, okay? It’s gonna hit Niall really hard. I never meant to leave him, never meant to make it hurt this bad for any of you. I love them so much, tell them to never forget that._  
  
 _Louis, I never made it clear how grateful I was to have met you. It’s been shit lately, you were right about one thing, and we weren’t on very good terms. I rarely saw your real smile or hear you laugh if it wasn’t on stage._

_You were it for me. You were all I wanted. But I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you. I’m sorry I wasn’t worth it._

_Not sure I told you enough how much I loved you, so I’ll write it out, so you never forget._

_I love you so fucking much._

_I’m gonna miss your lips and those touches during interviews and your arms holding me down and your eyes especially and the way you love everything so easily, and God, the sweet endearments in the morning, too._

_I’ll watch over you, yeah?_

_Always in my heart,_  
  
 _Sincerely,_  
  
 _Harry Styles._


End file.
